E9: I’m grieving a dream I never even wanted
A woman discovers she's grieving a strange sort of loss—a dream that she never anticipated having to let go of.
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Dear Grief Guide,
I should start by saying that this might be a sensitive topic for various reasons because it involves children and parenting. But it’s part of my grief experience after my mum’s death and I really want to know what you think.
I never felt the desire to have kids, not even a little. It's just not for me. I believe it’s the way I’m wired. It took me many years to go public with it because it's still not very socially acceptable in my country. Despite this, I’ve started telling people that I want to remain child-free for the rest of my life.
But societal pressures aside, one thing has really been bugging me lately. Even though I told my mum a few months before she died that I didn't want to ever have kids (and she respected that and I am so grateful I told her), I sometimes feel this enormous grief. I can only describe it as the grief of not passing on the bits of my mum that live on in me and thereby allowing the last physical pieces of her existence to disappear.
I’ve read the book Motherless Daughters in which the author and the women she interviews describe how they could almost see their mothers' presence in their own children and how their grief came full circle after they became parents themselves. Reading this made me feel envious and sad because I will not have that experience for myself.
I know I’m privileged to make the decision not to have kids where others are child-free due to infertility, timing, or other struggles. But I can’t be the only one grieving not seeing my mum in my children—even if I don’t want them. I feel like I’m grieving a dream I never even wanted. Could you offer some insights on this weird grief emotion?
Thanks,
Not Undecided, But Still Sad
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