E10: My friend keeps trying to fix me
After a life-changing diagnosis, a letter-writer wants his friend to stop treating him like a project to be fixed or a puzzle to be solved.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
I’m dealing with grief after being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). I know it’s not the same as experiencing grief after the death of a loved one, but it’s a loss to me all the same. The diagnosis took a long time to arrive at, and knowing that it has no cure means that it will have a permanent, irreversible effect on my life. The door to my life before MS is closed forever. And for that, I’m grieving on so many levels.
One significant frustration I have is a close friend's persistent efforts to “help” me. It took me a few months to process my diagnosis before telling people about it. And he’s responded to the news by repeatedly trying to fix me.
For instance, he’s suggested alternative treatments like herbal supplements and shared stories of people who supposedly overcame MS through unconventional means. While I appreciate his research, it makes me feel like I'm a problem or a puzzle for him to solve.
Another example is his insistence on recommending different diets, convinced that a specific eating plan will miraculously alleviate my symptoms. It's challenging because it implies that my lifestyle choices caused this, and that food is a simple solution for a complex situation.
I want him to understand that MS isn't a puzzle to solve or a challenge to conquer. It's an ongoing part of my life, with physical, mental, emotional, and even spiritual complexities. What I need most is his understanding, not his relentless search for a magical missing puzzle piece that doesn’t exist.
How can I tell him to stop fixing me without hurting his feelings? I want a friend who acknowledges my struggles without trying to make them go away. I know his actions come from a good place, but I feel like every interaction with him revolves around him making me “feel better.” I miss being his friend. Right now, I feel like his patient.
More than a diagnosis,
Under a Microscope
To get even more grief support from me, join Life After Loss Academy, my online course + community that helps you move forward after devastating loss.
Submit your anonymous letter for Dear Grief Guide here.
