E8: I'm afraid of forgetting my person
A listener is terrified that the passage of time will make them forget their aunt and cousin who died suddenly.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
It's been nine weeks since my cousin and my aunt were taken from this earth. I still can’t say they died. The words dead, death, and killed make me sick to my stomach. I loved them dearly and I still can’t believe they’re gone.
Today in therapy, I expressed how everything feels wrong, like I’m living in an awful episode Black Mirror where something insidious is lurking below the pretty picture of “normal” reality I see around me. My therapist suggested I start to "grow a life around my grief," asking me to consider that it might be possible to build something that feels right in the midst of everything feeling wrong.
But the thing is, I'm terrified. Terrified that stepping back into the world and doing things like hanging out with friends at places my cousin and aunt and I used to go, or even forming new connections, will make me lose the small details—the quirks, mannerisms, and precious moments I want to hold onto so desperately. I don't want to forget the way my cousin lit up when she heard Beyonce on the radio or the sloping curve of my aunt’s beautiful cursive. I don’t want to forget their signature mac and cheese surprise or their shared love of colorful scrunchies. I am so, so afraid of forgetting them.
I understand I can't wallow in isolation forever, but engaging with the world feels overwhelming without the two of them here with me. I feel like I have to choose between my past with them and my future without them, as if by moving on, I’m signing a contract where each day my memory of them grows fainter and fainter until my brain is too full of the new to remember the old.
Have you ever had this fear, Grief Guide? How did you navigate it? I’m desperately seeking a way to preserve my memories while still moving forward.
Open to your advice,
Clinging to My Memories
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