E52: I’m relieved that my loved one died, and I feel like a bad person
A grieving mom is ashamed that she feels relief after her daughter's death. She wonders if it's okay to miss her daughter and be grateful that she's no longer suffering.
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Dear Grief Guide,
I lost my oldest daughter, 25, a few months ago and I'm struggling with a couple of things. She struggled with her mental health for a few years, but after finally getting a good diagnosis she was doing well, and it really felt like 2024 would be her year. She had about six months of doing well before she died of an unexplained stroke. How cruel that she fought so hard—through multiple breakdowns, hospitalizations, and losing her dream job—and was beginning to create a new life when she died. She was just getting her feet under her and starting to find a new dream for herself. It's so unfair she didn't get to complete that “turn” into the new life she was creating.
I feel extremely guilty for feeling some sense of freedom from the daily check-ins and interpreting her tone and responses to see if she was starting to take a bad turn or not taking her meds. I kept PTO and savings in case I needed to drop everything and make sure she got the care she needed if she crashed again. I feel an emotional release because now I’m no longer second-guessing whether or not EVERYTHING she did was a manic episode and the beginning of a downward spiral, or if she was being 25 and living carefree and happy—as she should be able to do.
How can I feel relief when my baby is gone? When she didn't get to live her full adult life we always assumed she'd have. She wanted so badly to be a mom, and we talked about how she could manage that by building support systems, and so on. She had a great boyfriend and was talking about how to manage a relationship with mental illness.
At times, I'd feel overwhelmed by the prospect of her struggling with mental illness her entire adult life, the future stretched out ahead of her. How often would she want to stop her meds, spiral, then have to get back on them? How would the hormones of pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum affect her? If she stayed close by, I could be on hand as much as necessary and be able to see how she was doing. These are thoughts I would have about her future, living with mental illness and its cyclical rollercoaster.
I feel like a horrible person. I miss her terribly, and I can't wrap my head around the fact I won't see her, or hug her, or hear her laugh again until it's my time. I’m realizing I’ve been living my life in the margins, sitting on standby when she needed me for two years, and now… I don’t need to. I hadn’t realized I’d set my life on hold to such a great degree.
My mother was never there for me, even when I asked for help. I have no memory, even as a child, of trusting her or of her comforting me. So it is extremely important to me that my girls know I’m always there. It’s the drive behind my mothering decisions even now that they’re adults. I never wanted them to question if they needed mom, I’d be there.
But now, I can take a trip and not worry that my daughter will have an episode without me nearby. I can spend that money that I set aside or just take a paid day off for myself and not worry whether I’ll need to take PTO later to take care of her. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I feel relief and freedom from this aspect of my daughter’s life. Her dying means that her care does not need to be “managed” in some part by me for the rest of my life. I’d trade it all to have her back, but the feeling is still present, and I can’t seem to reconcile it.
She cared so much about other people and wanted people to be happy and cared for. I know she wouldn’t want me to feel this way. But I can’t shake the thoughts.
From,
Ashamed to Be Relieved
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