E51: I'm consumed with rage
A cancer survivor reckons with the aftermath of cancer treatment, including survivor'A listener grieving the sudden, traumatic death of their brother is overwhelmed by anger. In the wake of this loss, will they set fire to every relationship in their life?
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Dear Grief Guide,
It’s been almost a full week since I lost my brother, and I barely recognize myself. Resentment is bubbling up inside me violently. Friends who promised to support me, who said, “You can always talk to me,” have now vanished. When I did tell them things about my brother’s death, they froze, looked at me wide-eyed, and didn’t respond at all. Those moments are seared into my mind. And people who don’t know about this loss, acquaintances and neighbors who text me like everything is normal, exhaust me with their business-as-usual conversations. I don’t have the energy to tell them what happened. Even knowing there are people out there who haven’t gone through anything like this fills me with anger I can’t explain.
The circumstances around this loss were traumatic, which I know is part of why the rage feels so powerful. Everyone in my family is on edge, like we're walking around with exposed nerves, and the smallest thing sets us off. Yesterday, I accidentally offended my mom after she’d accidentally offended me—it feels like we’re all stuck in a cycle of hurt. I’ve lashed out in grief before, but this is beyond anything I’ve ever felt. I’m afraid of permanently damaging my relationships with everyone around me. Some days, it feels like I could level a small town with the firestorm of thoughts in my mind. That’s how big and explosive it all feels.
I try to isolate myself when it gets really bad, but I hate being alone. The urge to numb out completely is strong, but I know it won’t make this pain go away. I have daydreams about sedating myself so I don’t have to feel this. How do I survive my brother’s death without burning every bridge I have left?
Signed,
Scorched and Seething
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