E17: My support system is fading
Six months after their grandmother's death, a listener's friends seem to be pulling away. They want to know if they should be more clear with their needs or find new friends to share their grief with.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
I'm reaching out to you because I'm disappointed in the support system I thought I had. About eight months ago, I lost my beloved grandma, and I turned to my two closest friends for comfort. Initially, they offered condolences and seemed understanding of my pain. However, as time passed, their support dwindled, leaving me feeling abandoned and alone in my grief.
I live in a studio by myself, with no family nearby, making my friends’ presence even more important to me. Yet it seems like right at the six month mark, they stopped caring about me at all. I’ve received nothing but silence from them. No texts, no calls, no gestures of support. This weekend, as I tried my best to ride the waves of overwhelming grief emotions—which are still very present for me—I couldn't shake the feelings of anger and betrayal at their sudden absence. Even though I still very much need it, my support system is fading.
I decided to talk to my friends about their lack of support, hoping for understanding and empathy. While one friend acknowledged her oversight, expressed remorse, and promised to check on me more often, the other seemed to deflect responsibility, placing the burden on me to reach out if I needed anything. I was left feeling invalidated and misunderstood. Now I’m questioning the depth of our friendship.
I read some articles online about how to support someone after a loss, just to reassure myself that my expectations aren’t crazy or unreasonable. Everything I found emphasized the importance of consistent check-ins and specific offers of support, which my two friends can’t seem to do.
In times of grief, they say you find out who your real friends are. Perhaps there's some truth to that, though it's a painful realization to confront. I understand that people struggle to know what to say when someone dies, but I had hoped for more from those closest to me.
Grief Guide, is there a better way to ask for what I need? Or should I let go of my expectations for how my support system was supposed to look and try to get help elsewhere?
Sincerely,
Abandoned and Alone
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