E14: I don’t know who to grieve first
After the sudden, back-to-back deaths of her mother and brother, a listener wonders how to grieve both of them at once.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
I lost my mother and brother within a mere three months of each other. The circumstances were as sudden as they were disparate—my mother in a workplace accident, and my brother from a genetic heart condition that no one knew ran in our family. Shock is my dominant emotion right now, and I feel absolutely disoriented and lost. Needless to say, it's been a lot.
I’m not only stuck in the depths of grief but also in the uncertainty of how to begin mourning them. In the past, I feel like I got the luxury of grieving people or pets one at a time, as the losses occurred. Now, the order of grief feels like an impossible, knotted tangle, a puzzle that mirrors the magnitude of the losses themselves. Both losses are huge, complicated, and multi-layered. Grieving one of their deaths alone would ordinarily bring me to my knees. But two? It’s dizzying to comprehend. And I just don't know who to grieve first.
As I attempt to regain footing in the midst of grief’s earthquake, I know I need guidance. How do I mourn two irreplaceable pillars of my life? My relationships with my mom and brother were largely loving, but they were also very different. I’m not concerned about grieving correctly as much as I’m worried I won’t give my mother and brother the proper time, focus, honoring, and individual processing they deserve. I don’t want their losses to overshadow each other. And I also don’t want to burn myself out trying to double the grieving, even though I’ve lost two people. I’m already so overwhelmed.
Seeking clarity in the confusion,
Grieving for Two
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