E12: I still think they’re coming back
A grieving daughter can't shake the feeling that her dad is still alive.
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Dear Grief Guide,
I need to know if you or others share this particular grief experience. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me, perpetuating the illusion that my father will come back soon. Despite the undeniable reality of his absence—I was with him when he died, I saw his body at the funeral, I watched his coffin get lowered into the grave—I keep anticipating his return, as if he's just away on a trip or running an errand.
Some days, I feel like I’ve regressed to my childhood self. When I was a little girl, I would eagerly stand by the front door waiting for my dad to come home from work. There's a small corner of my mind that replays the relief and joy that will flood over me when he walks through the door. I don’t live there permanently, but the daydream surfaces in my mind more than I like to admit.
I grapple with this phenomenon, questioning if there's a scientific or psychological explanation for such an intricate dance between reality and perception. It's not denial, per se, but perhaps a form of wishful thinking that creates a comforting illusion in the face of the loss of my father. His death is my first big loss and I’m being completely honest when I say I’ve never felt this way before.
Have you encountered stories like mine, where the mind crafts scenarios that defy the stark, harsh truth of a person's death? I still think my dad is coming back, and this internal tug-of-war between knowing what’s real and hoping for something magical leaves me in a state of emotional ambiguity. I’m not exactly suffering but I’m not exactly comfortable either. It’s all so weird. And it’s all so confusing.
Thanks for any thoughts you have,
Waiting by a Closed Door
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