E11: I don’t know how to go on
A series of pregnancy losses leaves a listener exhausted and depleted, wondering if it's worth it to "get back on the horse" and keep trying.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
I’m in the darkest place I have ever been. My journey toward parenthood has been a tumultuous one, marked by the crushing weight of multiple miscarriages and the heart-wrenching decisions to end not one but two pregnancies due to medical complications that meant my growing babies would not survive outside my body. I feel burnt out at a soul level. I’m depleted in every sense of the word.
People around me, especially my close girlfriends, urge me to "get back on the horse" and continue my quest for a family. Some of them have had miscarriages and losses of their own and have gone on to have healthy babies. Sometimes, I picture them like glowing, perfect cheerleaders calling to me from the horizon after riding their own horses into a beautiful sunset.
I want what they have, but my metaphorical horse is difficult and elusive, throwing me off time and again. Each failed attempt leaves emotional and physical scars that run deep. The exhaustion I feel is overwhelming. I’m surrounded by people telling me to keep going, but how can I when every step feels like navigating a minefield?
Grief Guide, I don't know how to go on. Having my eyes opened to the reality of what could happen if my next attempt fails makes me balk at climbing back up on the horse and trying again. Any motivation or hope I had at the beginning of my journey has disappeared. I have desire, yes, a continual ache for the family I dream of in my head. But strength? Will? Resilience? I’m afraid my wells dried up long ago.
If you have anything to say about when the going gets tough—tougher than tough—I’d love to hear from you.
Signed,
Lone Rider
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