E5: I don’t want to go to the funeral
A letter-writer doesn’t want to attend his grandfather’s celebration of life.
Listen to This Episode:
Dear Grief Guide,
My grandfather passed during COVID and my family is getting ready to hold an in-person memorial for him in February, on the second anniversary of his death. When he died, it felt too risky to get everyone together in person, especially my grandmother and the older aunts and uncles. Around the one-year anniversary of his death, my sister had a baby with massive medical complications and we chose to collectively support her instead of navigating the logistics of intercontinental travel. This year is the year, though, and my mom and her siblings have banded together to orchestrate a full-on celebration of life weekend.
Here’s the thing though. I don’t want to go to the funeral. For a variety of reasons, including emotional and physical abuse as well as a tendency towards alcoholism and denial of bad behavior, I’m estranged from most of my family, including my grandfather who I lived with for eight unpleasant years of my childhood.
I’ve been getting constant messages from people, everyone from distant cousins to my grandfather’s old coworkers, asking me if I’m going to the celebration of life. I know that it would not serve me to go in any way, so I say, “I’m not sure.” Then, I’m met with messages like, “Oh it would be good for you to go!” or, “Your grandfather would want you to be there!” I feel guilty for dodging their encouragement, but I don’t feel like I should have to constantly explain to people why I’m not going.
My question is, what is the best way to respond to these messages? I know my grandfather’s close friends and family mean well, but the dynamic between us has so many layers. If I went, I know I’d only be there because other people pressured me to go. And I don’t think I can stand sitting in a room where people are, by and large, singing his praises and grieving the fact that he is no longer with us.
I have a great grief support group and friends who have told me it’s okay not to attend, but these constant messages from people who I haven’t spoken to in many years are getting to be too much.
Signed,
Odd Man Out
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