E4: I’m criticizing myself for getting grief “wrong”
A grieving mom struggles with perfectionism after the death of her adult son.
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Dear Grief Guide,
I recently lost my adult child, Alex, to an aggressive form of brain cancer. We had a close bond even after he left home which was both lucky and intentional. Lucky because I know that not every child wants to be friends with their parents when they grow up and intentional because between the three of us—myself, Alex, and his father—we all continued calling and planning get-togethers through the years. Sometimes we’d play board games and end the evening in tears because we were laughing so hard. Sometimes we’d have catch up phone calls that turned into discussions about how Alex was raised and what we both wish could’ve gone differently back then. While we had our disagreements, we always listened with compassion and an eagerness to understand each other. I did my best to meet him with honesty, respect, and love. He was the center of my life and the boy who made me a mother. I miss him so much.
What complicates my grief, and the reason I’m writing to you, is the internal struggle I face. I’ve always strived to do the right thing, even when others see it as choosing the hard way over the easy way, or putting in more effort unnecessarily. It’s little things, like adjusting a crooked picture frame on the wall. But it’s big things too. Like grieving.
Since Alex’s passing, I find myself regularly criticizing myself for getting grief “wrong.” Whenever I’m faced with a decision, whether it’s cleaning out Alex’s childhood room or sending a text to his partner, I take an action and then immediately beat myself up mentally for the choice I’ve made. How could I box up his clothes when I loved him so much? Why did I send the phrase, “This is so hard,” to his boyfriend when there are so many more comforting things to say? It never ends.
And even if I made a different decision, I know I’d still criticize myself for it. If I left his room exactly as it is, I would berate myself for not moving forward and not honoring one of my personal values, which is to offer things that are no longer needed to people who can really make use of them. Alex’s family and friends have already claimed their favorite, most treasured items of his. It seems like there’s no right option no matter what I do. The critical voice in my head is relentless, questioning every tear shed, every major and minor decision, every interaction with my husband, friends, family, and coworkers. It’s as if I'm failing some invisible standard of how grief should unfold.
How do I turn off this critical voice in my head? I want to navigate my grief authentically, embracing the pain without judgment. I want to celebrate Alex's life and the love we shared, acknowledging both the beauty and complexity of our relationship. Yet, this constant self-criticism is hindering my ability to heal.
Your guidance would mean the world to me, especially as I strive to understand that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. I know it to be true, but, day by day, I’m struggling to live it.
With gratitude,
Perfectionist Parent
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