E48: I’m mourning back-to-back breakups

In the fallout of two consecutive breakups, a letter-writer is also grieving her home, her belief in love, and her hope for the future.

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Dear Grief Guide,

I recently ended a five-and-a-half-year relationship. For some reason, I thought it would be easy. I think I thought I’d processed the end. I believed that I’d checked out a long time ago, so in the moment of the breakup, it felt possible to say goodbye to our time together.

In the wake of the breakup, I met a new guy. And he brought me so much hope. I had an amazing month living by myself, focused on my hobbies, passions, and friends, and going on dates with this new and exciting guy. I was truly on cloud nine.

And then in a flash, everything changed. I began packing boxes and feeling the heartache of losing the partner I’d built a life with for five and a half years. I felt like a failure because my relationship—one that I invested so much love, time and effort into—ultimately failed in the end. It tore me apart. It was mentally, emotionally, and physically a ton of work to leave our condo.

While this was happening, I was also processing the reality that the new guy I was dating wasn’t honest with me about his intentions, and he wasn’t this perfect partner that I thought he was. He was the delusional distraction I really wanted to be true. He did build me up, but he also eventually tore me down. I realized he was love bombing and manipulating me.

So I moved back to my dad’s. And then I went to see the new guy. And it felt wrong, because I know that I deserve better. I woke up and knew that it needed to end. I’ve replayed that conversation a million times. The anger I’ve felt toward him has felt so strong. I think I’m still allowing him to distract me from what I’m actually upset about. But I do know it is valid to be upset about breaking things off with him.

It’s a lot. Losing your partner. Losing your home. Losing a potential new partner who you thought would save you from the pain of the other two losses.

I am not okay. My happy moments are few and far between. My sad moments are constant and powerful. I truly feel empty inside. I felt so sure of myself—who I was and what I loved. I knew that I would find my person one day. I’ve always believed that. And now I’m scared. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know how to exist in my old room. I don’t have the energy to put boxes away. I barely have the energy to feed myself or take care of myself. I’m consumed by feeling alone.

My question is: how do I release this pain and find myself again?

Thanks, 
Triple Heartbreak

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Shelby Forsythia

Shelby Forsythia (she/her) is a grief coach, author, and podcast host. In 2020, she founded Life After Loss Academy, an online course and community that has helped dozens of grievers grow and find their way after death, divorce, diagnosis, and other major life transitions.

Following her mother’s death in 2013, Shelby began calling herself a “student of grief” and now devotes her days to reading, writing, and speaking about loss. Through a combination of mindfulness tools and intuitive, open-ended questions, she guides her clients to welcome grief as a teacher and create meaningful lives that honor and include the heartbreaks they’ve faced. Her work has been featured in Huffington Post, Bustle, and The Oprah Magazine.

https://www.shelbyforsythia.com
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E49: I’m grieving my secret affair partner

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E47: I feel like there's no room for my grief in my family