E48: I’m mourning back-to-back breakups
In the fallout of two consecutive breakups, a letter-writer is also grieving her home, her belief in love, and her hope for the future.
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Dear Grief Guide,
I recently ended a five-and-a-half-year relationship. For some reason, I thought it would be easy. I think I thought I’d processed the end. I believed that I’d checked out a long time ago, so in the moment of the breakup, it felt possible to say goodbye to our time together.
In the wake of the breakup, I met a new guy. And he brought me so much hope. I had an amazing month living by myself, focused on my hobbies, passions, and friends, and going on dates with this new and exciting guy. I was truly on cloud nine.
And then in a flash, everything changed. I began packing boxes and feeling the heartache of losing the partner I’d built a life with for five and a half years. I felt like a failure because my relationship—one that I invested so much love, time and effort into—ultimately failed in the end. It tore me apart. It was mentally, emotionally, and physically a ton of work to leave our condo.
While this was happening, I was also processing the reality that the new guy I was dating wasn’t honest with me about his intentions, and he wasn’t this perfect partner that I thought he was. He was the delusional distraction I really wanted to be true. He did build me up, but he also eventually tore me down. I realized he was love bombing and manipulating me.
So I moved back to my dad’s. And then I went to see the new guy. And it felt wrong, because I know that I deserve better. I woke up and knew that it needed to end. I’ve replayed that conversation a million times. The anger I’ve felt toward him has felt so strong. I think I’m still allowing him to distract me from what I’m actually upset about. But I do know it is valid to be upset about breaking things off with him.
It’s a lot. Losing your partner. Losing your home. Losing a potential new partner who you thought would save you from the pain of the other two losses.
I am not okay. My happy moments are few and far between. My sad moments are constant and powerful. I truly feel empty inside. I felt so sure of myself—who I was and what I loved. I knew that I would find my person one day. I’ve always believed that. And now I’m scared. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know how to exist in my old room. I don’t have the energy to put boxes away. I barely have the energy to feed myself or take care of myself. I’m consumed by feeling alone.
My question is: how do I release this pain and find myself again?
Thanks,
Triple Heartbreak
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