E46: I’m afraid I won’t ever feel whole again
After his wife's death by suicide, a grieving husband knows that there's no way to replace her presence in his life. But he wonders if and when he'll ever feel whole again.
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Dear Grief Guide,
My wife, Sarah, died by suicide twelve weeks ago. Her death wasn’t entirely unexpected—she struggled for years with Borderline Personality Disorder and a chronic physical condition. She fought hard to get help for her illnesses, but after countless failed treatments, her pain became too much. On some level, her passing has been a relief, because I know she’s no longer suffering. I can’t tell you how many nights I held her hand while she cried, knowing there was nothing more I could do to ease her pain except just be there.
But even though I can rationalize it, the emotional and physical loss of her presence is unbearable. Sarah was my soulmate and my best friend. We built a world together that no one else was part of. Little things that were just ours, like how she always knew she could cheer me up by putting on our wedding song and asking me to dance or how we’d trade off bringing coffee to each other in the morning based on who got up first. Those things haunt me because they’re gone, too.
I’ve tried staying connected with her family. We share memories via text and WhatsApp often, which brings some comfort. She was a big believer in after-death signs, and I’ve noticed a few unexplainable things that I chalk up to her pulling some strings in the afterlife. Knowing she’s still around in some way helps me in the moment, but for the most part, the emptiness I feel remains.
I guess I’m just realizing that no one will ever take her place. I miss everything about her, from our deep bond to how physically attracted I was to her. The whole grief thing really sucks, and I don’t know how long it’ll take to have what I had with my wife with someone else, much less feel whole again.
Signed,
Soulmate in Limbo
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