E30: My friend keeps comparing their loss to mine
A A letter-writer is bothered by their friend's unsupportive actions and comments after the death of their cat.
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Dear Grief Guide,
This situation has been really bothering me and I feel like I can’t turn to anyone. A friend of nearly 12 years, who used to watch my cat and whom I called his uncle, has not been supportive at all of my grief. Let’s call him Roger.
Three years ago, my cat passed away a day after my birthday on Halloween. When I shared the news with Roger, he gave the least empathetic “Aw, I’m sorry,” ever and didn’t say or do anything else. In the weeks and months that followed, I left our interactions feeling terrible.
During our first get-together a few months after my cat's death, Roger took me to a cat cafe but ended the night driving by his ex’s house as if to say, “See, I’m going through something too.” He and his girlfriend broke up in April 2021, just a few months before my cat died.
Fast forward to now, and I’ve adopted another cat. Losing my first cat was incredibly hard, and I told him that I’ll never love another cat like my last one.
Roger keeps telling me he doesn’t like me saying that. He compares it to his breakup, saying it’s the same for him because a breakup is like total emotional destruction. I feel like my friend keeps comparing his grief to mine! Am I going crazy?
I’ve been in a serious relationship, twice as long as the one he’s upset over, and was completely blindsided. He and this girl were together for one year, already broke up once, and at the end of the day, they had different values. But it’s not about comparing; it’s about being there for your friend.
I really felt like Roger is trying to validate his feelings by invalidating mine and it really hurts. Does what he’s doing make any sense at all? Am I being too sensitive?
Signed,
Apples and Oranges
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