E27: I feel like I have to make my loved one proud
After his adoptive father's death, a grieving son struggled with drugs and alcohol. Now that he's sober, he wonders if his father would be ashamed or proud.
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Dear Grief Guide,
It’s been a year since my dad, who adopted me, passed away from a sudden heart attack. He was my rock—the first person in my life who offered me stability and unconditional love. I grieve for him every day, not on a large emotional scale, but a small one, like a constant low buzz in my head reminding me that he’s gone.
My dad always wanted the best for me, encouraging me to be better, to chase joy, and to succeed at my passions. And I did really well while he was alive. But now, without him here, it’s like the stakes are higher. I can’t help but feel like I’m falling short. I feel like I have to make him proud, to honor his life by being the very best version of myself.
The tricky part is this: Since his death I’ve experienced several scary medical events that I’ve coped with using drugs and alcohol. Two years later, I’m now clean and sober, but I feel a lot of shame for even turning to those things when I know that’s not what he’d want for me. The whole time I was using, I could hear his voice in my head, gently reminding me that there are better ways to be, better ways to deal with life’s hardships.
I know he’d want me to be happy, to live my life to the fullest, but sometimes, even now, it feels like I’m failing him. Every small setback feels like a disappointment, like I’m letting him down. He was such a great man. I want to be a great man like him too.
How do I navigate this overwhelming pressure to live up to the magnitude of his love for me? How can I find peace in knowing that I’m enough, even if I haven’t been perfect?
Thank you for listening.
Sincerely,
Struggling to Measure Up
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