E24: I don't know what to do on my birthday
A grieving twin wonders how to celebrate the birthday he shared with his brother who died.
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Dear Grief Guide,
It's been six months since my twin brother, Rick, died suddenly while he was away on vacation, and the presence of his absence feels as fresh as ever. My brother and I were practically inseparable for most of our lives, sharing that almost-creepy twin bond that went beyond words. We were together growing up, only spending college apart, and just recently moved our families within 20 minutes of each other. I’ve gone from seeing him almost every weekend to not seeing him at all and needless to say, it’s been really tough.
His sudden death has turned my world upside down. It feels weird and disorienting to exist in the world without him. There’s no one who knew me like he did, no one with the same shared history. And while my wife laughs at my jokes, there was really nothing like getting a laugh out of Rick.
Our shared birthday is coming up in July, and to be honest, I’m dreading it. How do I celebrate when he's not here to celebrate with me?
Our birthday was always a special day. As kids we’d wear matching outfits and all our friends would come over for a barbecue. Even as adults we continued the matching outfit tradition just to mess with people and make ourselves laugh. The thought of celebrating without him feels unbearable.
I don’t want to see 39 while he’s stuck forever at 38. I can’t imagine getting older all by myself. It might sound strange, but it feels like it’s against the rules of the universe for me to cross this milestone alone.
I’d be grateful for any ideas you have. It seems like all of our family and friends are looking to me to decide what should happen on that day and there’s nothing I can think of that doesn’t make me feel sad.
Sincerely,
Oh Brother
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