Grief Isn’t Something You Get Over—How to Reframe Healing in a New Way

Society loves to tell us how we’re “supposed” to grieve. The most common lie? That healing requires “getting over it.”

If that were the case, “healing” would look like forgetting your loved ones, never talking about them again, and burying everything about your loss deep underground, left to decompose and rot. It would look like having a bizarre sort of amnesia about everything grief-related and relentlessly pushing forward, participating in life as if your losses weren’t important, and as if your loved ones never mattered to you.

What an impossible way to live, right? It’s such an unrealistic expectation.

The truth is, grief isn’t something you get over; it’s something you grow with.

It’s something you learn to nurture, tend to, and carry as you rebuild your life. True healing after loss isn’t about leaving your loved ones—or your pain—behind. It’s about reframing your relationship with loss and learning how to move forward in a way that feels authentic and meaningful. And in a way that includes—not ignores—everything you’ve been through.

Instead of “getting over it,” here are a few ways to reframe healing in a way that honors your grief, your memories, and your future.

Healing doesn’t mean forgetting.

After a devastating loss, it’s normal to fear that moving forward will erase your connection to the person you’ve lost. But true healing isn’t about forgetting—it’s about finding ways to keep your memories of your loved one alive while also doing what I call the “hard work and the heart work” to rebuild your life.

Reframe it this way: Healing means weaving your memories of your loved ones and your losses into the fabric of your life—both present and future. It’s creating ongoing rituals to remember them, telling stories about them, or carrying their lessons forward.

Affirmation: “Moving forward means mindfully choosing how I want to commemorate my grief. My losses and loved ones are the foundations of my present, and they belong in my future.”

Grief changes you, and that’s okay.

Grief recalibrates everything about your life. It rearranges your priorities and reshapes your identity. It’s understandable that you’re not the same person you used to be, because you’re now a person who’s experienced grief!

Reframe it this way: Loss is such a life-changing event, it would be abnormal to not be altered by it. (I know that’s a double-negative!) Said another way, it’s okay to let grief change you—and to have compassion for yourself in the process.

Affirmation: “Being changed by grief means that what I lost was important to me. The changes that I’m facing now are evidence of how much I care, not a sign that something is wrong with me.”

You can carry joy and grief at the same time.

One of the hardest parts of grief is learning to balance grief and joy. Many grievers feel shame about moments of happiness, as if enjoying life betrays their loss. Some grievers also feel ashamed for “still grieving,” as if there’s a set time when they’re supposed to never be sad again.

Reframe it this way: Grief and joy aren’t opposites. They can coexist, just like the love you might feel for someone who died exists alongside the pain of losing them. Having moments of joy doesn’t cancel out your grief—it honors your capacity to feel every emotion on the spectrum of human emotions.

Affirmation: “I am capable of holding grief and joy side by side. They are both part of the rich life I am building after loss. I know that I will always remember my loss, just like I also know that I will laugh, smile, and feel happy again.”

Grief isn’t linear, and healing has no timeline.

Society often pressures grievers to “move on” quickly, as if grief has a finish line. This can leave you feeling like you’re failing if you’re still struggling months—or even years—later.

Reframe it this way: Grief is a lifelong companion, not an obstacle to hurdle over. Healing doesn’t mean you’ll never feel the ache of loss again. It means learning to carry your loss forward in ways that feel meaningful to you.

Affirmation: “I will grieve for as long as I live. My grief will shift and change with time, but it will never disappear, and that’s okay. Grief is not a sign that I’m failing; it’s a sign that I care deeply about my losses and my loved ones.”

Moving forward doesn’t mean letting go.

The idea of “moving on” can feel cruel and dismissive, as if you’re expected to spontaneously let go of everything your loss or loved one meant to you and forge ahead as if nothing happened. Moving forward is different. It’s about creating a life that includes your grief, instead of erasing it.

Reframe it this way: Moving forward means integrating loss into your life in a way that feels meaningful. It’s about finding meaning, building relationships that incorporate your grief, and honoring the love and lessons that remain.

Affirmation: “Moving on does not mean letting go. It means folding in everything I want to remember with everything I want to build in the future. It’s about combining both halves of my life—before and after—into one being: me.”

Grief isn’t a short-term problem; it’s a lifelong companion.

Society often portrays grief an inconvenient obstacle, a disruption of otherwise “normal” life. But grief is a significant part of normal life and should be treated as something to be integrated; not something to be overcome.

Reframe it this way: Grief doesn’t exist to get in your way—it exists beside you as you continue to make your way forward. It reminds you of the depth of your love, the power of your emotions, and the capacity of your heart to grow.

Affirmation: “Grief has important lessons to teach me, and I am interested in learning more about the unique ways grief shows up in my life. I am willing to stop treating grief like a burden and start treating it like a guide for how to continue to live.”

Closing Thoughts: Redefining Healing in Grief

Healing isn’t about getting over your loss or leaving your loved one behind. It’s about learning to carry your grief in a way that honors the losses you’ve faced while also creating a life that feels rich and meaningful to you.

By reframing healing as an ongoing process, you can move forward—not with the pressure of forgetting, but with a sense of groundedness, connection, and hope.

If you’d like to learn more ways to stop feeling stuck in grief and start moving forward, my free workshop, Grow Through Grief, is a great place to start. Here’s to redefining healing in the ways that resonate with your heart!