How To Feel Less Alone In Grief: Finding Comfort When No One Understands

Grief can be one of the loneliest experiences in the world.

Even when you're surrounded by people, it can feel like no one truly sees what you’re carrying. And if your grief isn’t obvious to others—ie. if you’re not crying in public or talking about it often—it can be even easier to feel invisible.

But here’s something important to remember: Even in hardest, darkest seasons of grief, you are not alone. And if that feels too cliché, here’s another way to see it: You are always connected to an invisible constellation of fellow grievers.

Loss touches everyone at some point. It’s woven into the fabric of being human. And while that doesn’t make your grief hurt any less and you feel less invisible, it does mean that, even if they’re floating in a solar system far, far away, others are out there grieving. Others are carrying similar pain. There are people—right now—who miss someone. Who are struggling to figure out what life looks like now. Who wonder how they’re supposed to keep going in the face of everything they’ve been through.

So how do you start feeling that connection when everything in you is screaming, “You’re alone in this!”?

Here are three tools to help you tune into the unseen support around you, even in the loneliness of loss.

1. Play Grief “I Spy”

For as much as society likes to frame grief as something that happens on the fringes of life—and then it’s up to us to deal with it and return to business as usual—grief is everywhere in everything all the time!

This week, try playing a game of grief “I Spy.”

The rules are simple. Just look for signs of grief’s presence around you. This could be a park bench dedicated to a beloved spouse who died or a memorial tattoo on your barista’s forearm. It could be a grief-related policy up for debate in your local or federal government, something to do with firearms, war, poverty, or healthcare. It could also be a restaurant named for a deceased member of your community or a memorial ribbon on a commuter’s backpack.

You might overhear a stranger telling someone in the checkout line, “Our divorce is getting finalized this week,” or a coworker mention, “My aunt is going into palliative care Tuesday.” You might see an obituary on social media or in the newspaper, or a story of loss on a larger scale on the news.

When you see these expressions of grief around you, notice them and think—or say aloud, “There’s grief, right there!” You could take it one step further and affirm, “Grief is not something I’m going through alone. It’s something each of us is facing, all in our own ways.”

And don’t just limit yourself to things that exist in the real world. Pay attention to the movies and TV shows you watch and the books you read. The characters we know and love—and many of the ones we hate, too—have grief stories, losses, and heartbreaks of their own. Even fictional characters can help remind us that we are not alone, because they were thought up by very real people who chose to include grief in their story.

When you actively look for grief, you realize just how many people are living with it and doing their best to figure out where it belongs in their lives. This exercise is not a fix for loneliness, but it is a wonderful tool that expands your view of grief when it feels like the walls are closing in.

2. Ask for Signs and Symbols of Support

Sometimes, the connection we need comes in ways we don’t expect.

One way to ease the loneliness of grief is to ask for signs and symbols of support—whether from a loved one who has died, from the universe, or simply from your own subconscious paying attention.

I once worked with a client who found comfort in songs on the radio while commuting to work. She wasn’t looking for anything specific, but whenever she heard a song about loss, resilience, or moving forward, she took it as a tiny nudge of encouragement. Even if she didn’t know the artist, even if she hadn’t heard the song before, she listened to the lyrics and let them speak to her. Gradually, she collected a little library of songs that helped her feel less alone in her grief.

Other clients I’ve worked with have asked for messages from loved ones, symbols that they’re on the right path, good surprises (such as snail mail from a friend or a coin on the ground), or beautiful dreams to look forward to at night. Even if their exact request didn’t show up, simply practicing asking for signs and being on the lookout for them helped them feel more connected to themselves and to others after loss.

I invite you to make a list of things that might feel like signs or symbols to you. Use all five of your senses to make your list, trying your best to include at least one thing from each category. Then, over the course of a week, write down every time you’ve noticed one of your signs or symbols—or received one that wasn’t on your list. As your attention expands to look for signs and symbols, your list will too!

For example, after my mom died, I expected to feel connected to her through pennies, songbirds, hymns, and the smell of her perfume. Now, more than eleven years later, I’ve also felt connected to her through numbers, dreams, angel food cake, a handful of characters on TV shows and movies, and anyone wearing hot magenta pink.

While many grievers fear that they’ll feel more alone as time goes on, this is one small way to stay connected, even years and decades into the future.

3. Subscribe to Grief Media

One of the fastest ways to feel less alone in grief is to hear from others who really get what you’re going through.

There are so many places now—podcasts, YouTube channels, Instagram accounts, and books—where grievers share their stories. Hearing someone else put words to an experience you thought only you were having can be incredibly validating.

Some of my clients’ current favorites include Megan Devine’s book It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Anderson Cooper’s podcast All There Is, and Nora McInerny’s TED Talk, “We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it.”

And, if you liked the tools I shared here and want more tips and wisdom for navigating life after loss, my new podcast, Grief Grower, launches on March 20. It’s a free weekly show I where we talk openly about what it’s really like to grieve and find ways to grow through grief—instead of forcing ourselves to “get over it.”

You Are Always Connected to an Invisible Constellation of Fellow Grievers

Grief can feel isolating, but/and we are all grievers surrounded by grievers surrounded by grievers. In the dark, vast emptiness of life after loss, every griever is like a little point of light in space. While we may seem far away, we’re still making our presence known, twinkling back a faint, constant message of, “I’m here too. You are not alone.”

Even in the loneliest moments, those times when no one in your orbit seems to understand—evidence of grief’s presence (and the possibility of support) exist everywhere. Your love, your loss, and your story matters. And there are ways to find comfort, build connection, and prove to your brain and your heart that you’re not the only one navigating life after loss.

Try one of these tools this week and see how it feels. And if you’re looking for free support from me, tune into Grief Grower starting March 20.

Just as “no man is an island,” no griever is a solitary star in the sky. We all exist alongside others, figuring out how to grieve and how to grow through it together.

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